The Shidduch Crisis: Self-Imposed

Rabbi Moshe Ben-Chaim

Why do people cut-off others in traffic, need to get the last word in, interrupt others at social affairs, build mansions, dress to kill, buy jewelry, expensive watches, and drive the newest luxury cars? 

Ego. 

Ego wrongly propels much of one’s values, daily activities, attitudes and personal relationships. But it’s not the Torah way, which over all else, prizes humility, like God praised the humility of Moses our teacher (Num. 12:3). The Jew who follows God does not reply, even to those who curse him (Shmoneh Essray). His value is God’s wisdom, the self is of no concern other than health and modest needs: “He would even sleep on the ground, drink water and eat bread” as his sustenance, if it would come to that, and despite poverty, like Hillel, he would still meditate on God’s Torah (Avos chap. 6). When Torah is studied for a love of its wisdom and for God, social needs and ego fall by the wayside. 

Unless worked on, one’s ego will continually drive him in many areas, including religious matters. Ego is also responsible for the current “Shidduch Crisis.” In order to display one’s religious level, religious Jews today innovate the most nonsensical demands for a match: “Does she read english novels? Which shul does her father belong to? Which yeshiva did he study in? Does he wear a hat? Does she go to movies? Does he wear jeans?” 

Really? 

How about these instead: “Does he give full tzedaka? Does she portray modesty? Does he visit the sick? Care for his parents? Is he honest in business? Does she refrain from lashon hara?”  

Yeah, that’s more like it. 

Eliezer sought internal perfection, found in Rivkah. Her clothing was of no concern, nor was her family’s values, and rightfully so. Rivkah thought into how to best help another, even a stranger. She was so sensitive to others, she “ran” to serve Eliezer, so as not to make him feel low for needing help. Abraham too “ran” when serving the three angels, to return their dignity after they too were in need. 

What nonsense and self-inflicted harm it is to evaluate others based on manufactured over-religious attitudes, that mean nothing, and are sought only to display your own imagined high religiosity? That’s why people reject prospective matches, to display “She is not religious enough, like me.” (Stress on the “me.”) Rejecting others is so clearly a means to bolster your own ego. So people stay single, paying the price for considerations Eliezer would dismiss with both hands. People don’t follow God, they follow their egos. 

And so many marriages of like-minded “religious” couples end in divorce. Why? Because reality can never be ignored. Marriage succeeds when both partners share good middos, are patient, value truth, are generous, and can admit error…all matters derived from humility, not ego. 

If you want to be married, throw away the “religiosity check list,” and seek a humble, intelligent, generous and patient partner who values Eliezer’s criteria. I mean, isn’t that why God included that story in the Torah?