Complainers and their Victims

Matt Schneeweiss

"The words of a complainer are like blows, descending to the chambers of one's innards" (Mishlei 18:8)

It is reasonable to assume that the subject-matter of this pasuk is complaining. However, there remains one major question: Who is this pasuk for?

There are two possible answers to this question: either King Solomon is giving advice to a complainer, telling him that the act of complaining is harmful to himself; or he is talking to the listener of complaints, telling him that he will be harmed simply by listening.

How do we answer this question on our pasuk? Ordinarily we would look for clues within our pasuk, but in this case, the words of our pasuk seem to be clue-less. In this particular case, the answer comes from an unexpected source.

Our pasuk is in Chapter 18. If we skip a few pages and turn to Mishlei 26:22, we encounter a familiar statement: "The words of a complainer are like blows, descending to the chambers of one's innards." As strange as it may seem, Chapter 26 contains a repetition of the exact same pasuk!

The mere repetition of our pasuk doesn't solve anything. However, if look at the context of the two pesukim, we'll notice something interesting:

Chapter 18:6-8: “The lips of the fool will come forth in contention, and his mouth will invite blows upon himself. The mouth of a fool brings destruction to himself, and his lips are a stumbling block to his soul. The words of a complainer are like blows, descending to the chambers of one's innards.”

Chapter 26:20-23: “Just as when there is no wood the fire goes out, so when no one complains, strife is silenced. Like kindling to coals, and twigs to a fire, so is the contentious man to kindling strife. The words of a complainer are like blows, descending to the chambers of one's innards. Like silver dross coating earthenware, so are hotly pursuing lips above an evil heart.”

It appears that the context of our pasuk in Chapter 18 deals with the effect of speech on the self, whereas the context in Chapter 26 deals with the effect of speech on others.

Apparently, the answer to our original question is: both interpretations are valid. King Solomon is advising both the complainer himself and the complainer's audience, and is so intent on making sure that we grasp both ideas that he actually writes this pasuk twice.

This may have solved our problem of interpreting the "facts" of the pasuk, but if we are correct, we are now confronted with a new question: How can King Solomon say that the effects of complaining on the complainer and the effects of complaining on the listener are the same?

I don't know about you, but this strikes me as unusual, especially when we consider other actions. For instance, murdering is bad for the murderer and bad for the victim, but in completely different ways. The same is true for stealing, raping, lying, cheating, acting like an idiot, slandering, mocking, and so on. Complaining seems to be an exception.

To understand this pasuk we must ask: What is complaining? We all complain, but do we really understand what it is that we are doing?

My definition of complaining is as follows: To complain is to verbally express one's dissatisfaction with reality - not as a means to rectify the situation, but as an end in itself.

According to this definition, the same statement can be uttered as either a complaint or as a constructive communication, depending on the intent. For example, if I say, "These pretzels are making me thirsty" in order to vent my frustration, then I am complaining. On the other hand, if I say, "These pretzels are making me thirsty" in response to my friend's offer to buy me a drink, then I am not complaining, but taking practical measures to alleviate my thirst.

But to fully understand the phenomenon of complaining we must ask: What is the point of complaining? What is accomplished by giving vent to one's dissatisfaction with reality? If complaining about my pretzels doesn't satisfy my thirst, what does it satisfy?

To answer this question we must take a journey back in time - back to infancy and early childhood.

An infant is a helpless creature. Not only is the infant incapable of satisfying his own needs (food, drink, clothing, waste management, etc.), but he can't even articulate them coherently. Unable to actively alter his own circumstances, the infant's only choice is to sit there until reality changes for him - that is, until his parents come to take care of him. When this doesn't happen automatically, the infant has only one option: to cry for mommy and daddy to come and make things better. Unable to satisfy his desires by operating within reality, the infant cries out against reality and waits for the circumstances to change on their own.

The infant's method of dealing with dissatisfaction is not only effective, but it is also psychologically satisfying. Reality is full of pain, discomfort, fear, and uncertainty. What can be more satisfying than to call upon mommy and daddy to banish all the bad things and offer their warm embrace of security and affection?

Unfortunately, this infantile modus operandi is so appealing that we never fully abandon it. Our bodies, minds, and personalities may mature in adulthood, but deep down, we still crave that infantile state of existence, in which all of our needs are taken care of without any effort on our part.

That is where complaining comes in. Complaining is the adult version of an infant's crying. When reality does not conform to our desires and we are too lazy or timid to deal with it like adults (i.e. by assessing our needs, examining our options, and taking action to change reality) we attempt to employ the same strategy that was once so effective: crying out against reality and (unconsciously) expecting it to change for us - just like it did when we are infants. To complain is, quite literally, to act like a baby. Complaining turns the individual away from constructive decision-making in the external world and causes him to withdraw from reality in a futile attempt to derive satisfaction and security from an infantile fantasy.

This is what King Solomon means when he describes the words of the complainer as "descending to the innermost chambers of one's innards." The act of complaining stems from, stirs up, and reinforces unconscious emotions from the innermost depths of the psyche.

What is King Solomon getting at by describing the words of the complainer as "blows"? In my opinion, this metaphor does not describe the nature of the harmful consequences of complaining, but the severity of those consequences.

Complaining is harmful to the complainer because it reinforces a distorted view of the self and of reality. Whenever a person complains, he reinforces the infantile fantasy that "I am the center of reality; therefore, reality ought to conform to my desires." A person who constantly indulges in this fantasy is doomed to disappointment and frustration. He will continually find fault with reality without making an effort to change things. Not only that, but his decisions are likely to fail, since he assumes that reality will conform to his wishes.

Thus, what appears to be nothing but an innocuous venting of frustration is actually as harmful as physical blows. Complaining breeds dissatisfaction (conscious and unconscious) and poor decision-making. Refraining from complaining guarantees a happier and more successful life.

There is one last question we have to answer: How does King Solomon's advice apply to the listener of complaints?

The answer flows from what we said above. Complaining stirs up deeply seated emotions: the fantasy that "I am the center of reality; therefore, reality ought to conform to my desires" and the yearning for mommy and daddy to make reality's problems disappear. Precisely because these unconscious feelings are universal, present in every human being from birth, they will be awakened even in the person who listens to a complainer. Thus, when my friend expresses his dissatisfaction with reality by complaining, "I'm hungry - why don't we have anything to eat?" my identification with him will cause my own deep-seated emotions to be awakened, exposing me to all of the harmful consequences mentioned above.

If we truly seek to avoid a life of dissatisfaction and frustration, we should not only refrain from complaining, but we should distance ourselves from the company of complainers as well.