What is Going On?

A Matchmaker’s Commentary


A Shadchan


I guess I am confused, as I look around at all the beautiful young people who are still single, even though they are wonderful in every way. I see intelligent, decent, honorable, hard working, Torah observant, beautiful young people who are gradually getting older as they search for the right partner. It seems to me that there is something so wrong with what I am seeing, but I cannot fix it...even though I have tried so many times.


I love people and so I try to help with introductions.  I talk with them to find out what is going on inside their heads.


One young girl was not willing to go out with a young man I told her about. She remarked to me that she needed to do some research about him. Of course, I was willing to tell her all I knew, but apparently she was interested in something more. What was it?  She wanted to know if he wore a black hat. That was a simple and a valid question, which I answered quite frankly. The boy does not wear a black hat, but aren’t you interested in what is UNDER the hat? What is in his head?  Do you care about what is important to him; is he Torah learned, is he honest, does he follow HASHEM fully? There are some religious groups that do not wear black hats, but are totally dedicated to a Torah observant lifestyle. On the other hand, I know a young man who wears a black hat, but he is a drug addict and is dishonest in his business dealings and I feel that while he IS wearing a black hat and doing these things, he is a disgrace to HASHEM and all observant Jews.  I certainly would not recommend him to any young woman as a good marriage partner, unless he got rabbinical professional help.


The next thing she wanted to know was how much money the boy made.


The boy in question made a good living.  Then I asked her why she was not interested in what was in his HEART more than what was in his pocket.  If a young man appears to have money, maybe it was given to him and he does not know how to make a living.  He may not know the value of money and spend foolishly, or gamble, or he may not care to give tzedaka. 


I could go on and on...things aren’t always as they seem.


When I have spoken to young men who are searching for their Eishis Chayil, they tell me they want someone pretty and slim.


Some of the very pretty girls I have spoken to are not that interested in Torah and creating a true Torah home, they are more interested in their careers, shopping and looking good all the time.  It is hard to accept what comes out of these girls mouths...it is not Torah, but a request for another credit card because they like “nice” things.


Baruch HASHEM we survived a lot to get to this point. Families were lost during the wars and now, Baruch HASHEM, families have grown in size and in Torah and Mitzvot.  Our young people want this too and they are suffering as they continue to search and find disappointment after disappointment.  Matchmakers are not always honest when they give information and the people involved are misled.  If young men take the time to go on the date, spend the money to get there and go out, not to mention, that in addition to working hard all day, they put themselves in harms way by driving at night whey they are tired…at the very least, we must not mislead them.


We must help the young people find their mates...how can we watch and not help them to understand how to think and how to live the Torah way of life?

If we do not do whatever we can, they will continue look for the wrong things in a possible mate.  We must educate them to see clearly what is the truth and thereby see what is important. We must make honest statements when giving information.


We just experienced Purim and we all remember how Haman wanted to annihilate the Jews. Baruch HASHEM he did not succeed because Mordechai and Esther knew what was important...and that was to follow HASHEM and the precious Torah that HE gave to us, no matter where and no matter what.